


Wants and Needs

by brittle_bottle



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-10 06:34:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13496742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brittle_bottle/pseuds/brittle_bottle
Summary: If I don't really need it but I want it, should I still go for it?Or how the mere total of 1 min 46 s MakoRin scenes in the whole 2 seasons made me a MakoRin shipper for lifeInclude excerpts from High Speed! and the anime.





	Wants and Needs

**Author's Note:**

> This is set at the end of season 2 of the anime.  
> Excerpts from anime and novel is word for word and belong to their original owners.
> 
> MakoRin is my biggest ship of all time. I've loved it for so long, I might be blind because you know, love is blind. So sorry if you feel like this isn't an accurate characterization of Makoto and Rin but yea. I just wanted to do this

As I was showered by the warm orange hue of the sunset on my Samezuka dorm bed, my brain decided to recap my life so far.

It’s been a damn long while since I last _really_ talked to Makoto. Normally, thoughts of improving my time consumes my mind but once in a while, whilst I’m jogging or spacing out in my room and such, I stop and think,

_I wonder how Makoto is doing?_

I find it rather odd. Since I’ve been back from Australia, I have probably only exchanged greetings with Makoto. Short fleeting moments of ‘hi’s and ‘bye’s. Basically no social interaction whatsoever but when I start spacing out, and the angsty bits of my life start creeping in, I find myself thinking of this gentle green-eyed fellow. This is probably also the reason for the countless times I gazed at him from a distance. Not in a suspicious stalker manner, I hope.

I find Makoto to be the most intriguing person I know. To put it simply, it is because he is the complete opposite of me.

I am **ambitious**. He is **grounded**.

I am **blunt**. He is **subtle**.

I am **selfish**. He is **selfless**.

I **challenge**. He **comforts**.

Never did I think I would find someone so different.

Yet, despite these differences, or rather _because_ of these differences, I find myself wanting to be with him. Though I never said it out loud. It even took an awfully long time before I finally admitted it to myself.

My dream, to be an Olympic swimmer, has always been my top priority since my father died. Everyday, I wake up in order to get ready in order to practice in order to get a better time in order to achieve my dream. It is the core of each and every one of my actions. I moved to Iwatobi in elementary school for my dream. I moved to Australia for my dream. I moved to Samezuka for my dream. Even all the little trivial things I do for living; I sleep for my dream. I eat for my dream. I breathe for my dream.

I live for my **dream**. My dream **defines** me.

Of course, my dedication and, admittedly, my obsession for my dream, is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. I strive for my dream with sheer perseverance and determination. I am ready to give my everything. This is my strength, the reason for my success. On the other hand, in times of failures, all these efforts are rendered futile and they become a corrosive acid that erode me from the inside. Thus, making it my greatest weakness.

The more dedication, perseverance and determination I put in, the bigger the frustration, disappointment and self-hatred.

And for someone who gives his maximum efforts, I receive the utmost, worst possible mental, emotional and sometimes even physical breakdown. It literally feels like the end of the world.

Honestly, if I have done everything I could and it just isn’t good enough, what reason do I have to not give up?

It is at these kinds of breakdowns that I start racking my head for someone to go to. Someone to help make me feel better. I need _someone_. Curse humans for being social creatures.

Nagisa and Rei would not work. Not a big surprise there. I do not know Rei well enough. We only just met recently and barely talked after all. I knew Nagisa since childhood but I was never really close to him to begin with either. Perhaps, it also has to do with the fact that I am an upperclassman that they may have admired. My pride as an upperclassman does not allow me to reveal my weak side to them. This is also the reason for my elimination of Nitori and Momo off my “Person to go to” list. Nitori, especially, since I am aware of his great admiration for me. I make it a rule for myself to always live up to people’s expectations and I abide by it. Unless I find the expectations absolutely ridiculous, of course.

Haru is also a no-go for me. Haru is my biggest rival and I would rather die than show him my weak side. Though I have to admit it did leak out several times. Curse my inadequate tear glands. Can’t you all hold them damn tears till I have privacy? I always abhorred myself every time I ended up crying out of frustration. I hated it so much. The shame. And every time Haru mentions it afterwards, I am just filled with anger. It’s the rival pride this time. He is a very important person for me but I want to be a strong rival in his eyes. If possible, I never want to show him my weak side. However, he always seems to appear whenever I lost it. I always ended up screaming at him and that triggers the outburst of emotions. Mother nature sure loves making me make a fool of myself.

Sousuke is a more likely go-to candidate than Haru. He is what I call my alter ego. We have different mindsets but similar goals. He is driven by rationale while I am driven by emotions. I feel more connection to Sousuke than I do Haru because of Sousuke’s relentless determination for competitive swimming. He understands how important competitive swimming is to me. However, since he injured his shoulder, I find myself hesitating to contact him in my breakdowns. It just doesn’t feel right complaining about failing in swimming competitions to someone who no longer even has the chance to try. The fact that I know how badly he wants to be swimming competitively makes it harder for me to talk to him about how I may feel like giving up competitive swimming.

That just leaves Makoto. Now, I didn’t pick him via the elimination method. As I mentioned before, he was the complete opposite of me. He is grounded, subtle, selfless and comforting. Since the first time I saw him, I always respected and admired him. He always makes efforts to bring everyone into conversations, to ensure no one gets left out. He always tries his best to care for everyone in the best way he possibly can. He always does things for the sake of everyone, never himself. He is what I would call the epitome of  being selfless. Meanwhile, the me who could only think of me and my dream is the epitome of being selfish.

Now I never realized his immense care and kindness until I came back from Australia. Back in elementary school and Australia, I was so focused on pursuing my dream that I did not notice it. Then, as I fall behind in my training in Australia, I started pushing everyone away, family, friends, everyone. I was frustrated and disappointed that after everything I’d done, I was just a failure. I wallowed in self-hatred. I lost sight of my goal in life. I was ashamed so I shied away from everyone I knew and loved. This leads to more self-hatred and shame, making me shy even further away. It was an endless vicious cycle.

I was **destroying** myself.

When I came back to Japan, still running away from everyone and ready to give up my dream, I finally noticed Makoto’s profound kindness. I didn’t contact anyone from Australia; not my coach, not my Australian friends, not even my homestay family in Australia. It was a terrible experience that broke me.  I wanted to eliminate everything about it to forget and pretend it never happened.

My mother and sister weren’t angry about me pushing them away and giving up on my dream. They were just worried and disappointed. They wanted me to continue to pursue my dream. It didn’t help. I have lost all hope. Them having faith in me did not restore my faith in myself. I knew they meant well but even I didn’t know what would help.

I was set on living the rest of my life like a zombie. I couldn’t _live_ anymore. I could only _survive_. I couldn’t think of anything that would make me feel better. I didn’t want to live anymore but I couldn’t commit suicide. I had responsibilities as a child, as an older brother. My family did not deserve the pain of me committing suicide. They treated me well and the least I could do was fulfill my obligations as a member of the family.

I planned to just go to high school, university, get a decent job, provide for my family and die. I have no intention to start a new family. Honestly, who would even bother to associate with the dead person I was. Talking to me was as good as talking to a wall.

When I raced Haru in the Samezuka swimming pool shortly after I came back from Australia, I won but he hasn’t been swimming so it didn’t mean anything. I decided to take small steps. I then set my goal to beat Haru and joined the Samezuka swimming team. Having smaller goals enables me to pursue my dream once again. Focusing on my dream makes me forget the abyss of depression I fell into.

“Step 1: Beat Haru,” I chanted over and over again in my head.

At this point, a certain voice message which was like a ray of hope reminded me of my roots; the source of my passion in the first place. I didn’t know it then but that was my way out of the endless abyss of depression.

\-----

 From _Free!_ Season 1, Episode 2

“Rin? It’s me, Makoto. We’re starting up a swim club so you should join the swim team. We might get to swim together at a tournament.”

\-----

_“Swim together.”_

I hadn’t heard that phrase ever since I moved out of Iwatobi. I had long forgotten about it. It was a really long time ago but didn’t I start pursuing swimming because of the precious bond I felt being in a swimming relay team? That bittersweet memory reminded me that swimming hasn’t always been a burden. I felt a trace of comfort in my chest; something I haven’t felt since I moved from Iwatobi. Yet, I immediately slapped myself back into focus. It would be a waste of time to dwell in the past. There was no going back to those times. I had to focus for my future.

“It’d be nice to swim together again,” I had thought. But I shoved that thought into a desolated corner of my heart and focused on training.

Time passed and I finally won against Haru. I was incredibly proud that I was a step closer to my dream. I decided to cut ties with Haru as I have finished step one of my pursuit and was moving on to the next; beating the foreign swimmers. I had faith in myself again and believed I could take on the world on my own. Yet, Makoto was there again to remind me what I truly needed.

\-----

From _Free!_ Season 1, Episode 8

“What else matters in swimming other than winning?”

“There is more. At least, Haru thought there was something more. That’s why he wanted to race you. And the one who taught him that. Rin, isn’t it _you_?”

\-----

I wanted to retaliate but Nagisa and Rei were there and I did not want to reveal any part of me to them so I simply left. If we had a one-on-one talk, I probably would’ve broken down right there and spilled everything to him.

If Makoto didn’t remind me of why I swam in the first place, I would have gone abroad again on my own, cutting ties with everyone and obsessing over training and winning. If I were to hit a wall again, I would definitely be back in the same place; depressed and giving up. Honestly, who the hell decided humans should be social creatures?

Thanks to his subtle reminder and my witnessing of the joyous group hug they shared after winning the semi-finals for the relay, the emptiness and pain I ignored this whole time crashed like a tidal wave. I finally realized that I truly wanted to swim in a relay team and more than that, with _them_. They who I admired and loved.

I thought it was simply impossible. That was why I didn’t realize it all this time. There was no use pining for something you know you can’t have so I chose to forget about it by focusing on my dream. As I drowned in regret and self-blame again, I found myself wanting to tell Makoto,

“Yes, I truly wanted to swim with you guys again.”

He **knew** it before I did.

It seems like he knew me better than I knew myself. I am absolutely dumbfounded. How is it that a person, that I barely talked to, is able to make such a big impact on my mindset and perspective with such few sentences?

I ended up blurting it all to Haru because he found me first though. Thanks to Rei, I did get to swim with them. I then resolved to make the best relay team, something I didn’t realize was what I wanted all along. Though it wouldn’t be with Makoto, Haru and Nagisa, they will always be my inspiration and motivation in the pursuit of my new dream.

Back to the bigger picture, hence in both difficult and happy times, I would reach for Makoto and not anyone else because:

He **knows** me, even when I lost myself.

I don’t feel the need to put my guard up and be strong like I do with my family, Nagisa, Rei, Nitori, Momo, Haru and Sousuke. He doesn’t set expectations for me. He simply reminds me of the little pieces of happiness in life; that there is more than just chasing my dreams. He just wants me to stay true to myself; the naïve, optimistic child who simply loves swimming. For the me who spends my whole life panting and gasping to chase after my dreams, he is the only one who allows me to stop and breathe.

He is my comfort, my sanctuary, my **home**.

Whenever I felt like I couldn’t go on to chase after my dream, his subtle encouragement gives me a gentle push forward.

I smiled a little as a recurring scene from my days in elementary school flashed in my head. It is probably insignificant to him but somehow, I often find myself seeing the same scene over and over again.

\-----

From _High Speed!_ , Chapter 1

While Rin was watching Haruka's back, wondering what to do, someone unexpectedly gave him a gentle push from behind, and he stumbled forward a bit.  
  
"What are you doing? You're being left behind." Makoto's smile passed by on Rin's side.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I'm going.

\-----

I have never longed for someone as much as I longed for him but I know that the feeling is not mutual. It was always Haru for him. He knows Haru best and Haru knows him best. Everyone could see the blatant affection he has for Haru. I realized this early on in an incident in elementary school.

\-----

From _High Speed!_ , Chapter 2

Rin thought that Haruka's situation was very serious. It was true that when he had seen that Haruka had fallen into the river, he had panicked. He had been hasty, and had lost his presence of mind. But what was making Rin feel scared right now wasn't any of those things. "No, not about Nanase. About you, Tachibana."  
  
"What?" Makoto stopped walking. He was meeting Rin's honest gaze straight-on, but he was still smiling. He almost looked as if he wanted to ask whether Rin was joking.  
  
"When we pulled Nanase out of the river, you were shaking, weren't you?"  
  
"Was I? It feels like I was dreaming, so I can't remember very well." Makoto turned to face forward and started walking again.  
  
Rin watched Makoto's back, thinking _He was definitely shaking back then._ Though he had been able to give precise orders to Rin and Aki, Makoto had been shaking so hard that there was no way to miss it. His hands, his legs and his face - they weren't shaking from the cold, but because he was afraid of something. Even while they were riding in the ambulance, Makoto had gripped the hem of Haruka's shirt, shaking and calling Haruka's name the whole time.  
  
Rin had never seen anyone that terrified by something before. The sight had stuck deep in his heart, and now his body wouldn't work the way he thought it should.  
  
Without saying anything more, Rin kept walking behind Makoto. If Makoto said that he didn't remember, then Rin wouldn't interfere. He didn't want to forcibly pry into things that Makoto didn't want to talk about. That was why he didn't intend to enquire any further; _Even if I did ask, it wouldn't make much difference,_ he thought.

\-----

Since that time, I always felt like since Makoto is so dedicated and attached to Haru, there is no way I would have a place in his heart. I can’t even think of why he would want to be with me either. I want to be his comfort in return too but he doesn’t seem to need it. Nor does he seem willing to open up to me. I also wish he would speak for himself more and not be too self-sacrificing. But right now, I can’t do any of these things.

Bottom line is: I can do fine without Makoto. He has helped me find myself and I am content enough with the memories we have together, despite their short duration. However, I can't imagine anything better than the comfort of him staying by my side. I’m not sure if this is love per se but there’s nothing I want more than to be with him as I pursue my dreams and whatever comes after.

I want him to want me as much as I want him.

I don’t **need** Makoto by my side but I do **want** it really bad.

Still the same selfish brat, aren’t I? Guess I better start getting closer to him. Better to fail trying than to regret never trying at all, right?

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter two will be from Makoto's point of view and that's probably it. Unless something makes me change my mind


End file.
